Tales of a Gastarbajter

3...2...1...GASTARBAJTER!

Yaaay.

So what is a Gastarbajter? A Gastarbajter is a guest worker or a migrant worker in Germany, an "American dream" in Croatian version and a reason why Turks are 5% of German population (officially???) You see, migrant workers are supposed to leave when they finish their work but it seems that they kind of stick along for a long time or never actually migrate back. And what else is a Gastarbajter? Me.

I heard the word Gastarbajter many times ever since I was a kid in conversations of vast significance like: "Did you see his new Mercedes, nobody in the village or further beyond has one of those! Of course, he is a Gastarbajter!" or "Did you hear that Miroslav left Milenka and has a baby in Gemany? Of course, he is a Gastarbajter, they all do!" or do you know who builds churches in Croatia (except every fucking Croatian citizen)? - Gastarbajters! There was also a very strange situation when my friend googled red spots on his hand and Google said - AIDS! and he called me saying: "I think I might have AIDS, I bet it could be from Sanja, she was a Gastarbajter!" But apart from that, yes, it's an "American dream", except it's German. Actually Croatian. This doesn't make sense.

Gastarbajter Level: Spite

So I moved to Berlin. Without any money as I usually do. It seems that being an idiot is my legacy. I am just not sure from where. But every time I made a completely irrational decision (was there any rational ones?), it was also a lot of fun and I don't really regret any of them (OK, maybe some, along the notes - "The problem with last night is that it turns into this morning."). Albeit not the big ones. (Ha!) Quite quickly I found a job (and now I see why) as a Gastarbajter, following tradition of many many Croatian women since the 60s - in a hotel (we were never big on prostitution, it's more of a further east kind of thing). To be even better, since I don't speak German (except scheisse, I am good in scheisse) I work on breakfast and cleaning. And even better, I have a uniform! Yes, I have a uniform. A sexy purple apron for cleaning and casual black buttoned shirt for breakfast. And a bucket on which it writes Marijana. It makes me laugh every morning. And I must tell you, this getting rich with gastarbajter-ism is a matter of past. This will not be paying my bills much, which are astronomical since Gastarbajters like to have a lot of fun while they are gastarbajting in an open-minded foreign country where there is so many new things to do, many great people to meet and many tall men to see out of the house. And it is all super-legal not in human rights terms but in terms of documentation. When I said to my family that I am registered on German health insurance and social security and pension and whatnot (which actually means I am paying all this crap and waking up every morning at 6 thinking I miss the days when I was illegal) they were as excited as if I told them that I am earning millions. But my parents got used to this and just said Don't worry honey, you just started, you'll find something better and in the meantime go to visit all the doctors you can since it's free. So let me tell you about my first working days. So much of Ha! How funny is that! Then again, I can always find something funny. It's my superpower, making myself laugh. And I strongly believe that every single work experience is a good experience and it teaches you a lot. So what thoughts did I have so far?

1. "Cleaning" is a very relative term. And here we are talking about German clean. The first thing I noticed is that all the cleaning girls have super toned bodies and arm muscles you can usually see only on men. I thought maybe they are all doing sports. Until I started working. This is, my friends, full on physical exercise. It's not cleaning, it is exercise. There is about 3 hours from check-out to check-in where every little and I really mean every little thing has to be cleaned. Like moving around lockers that must weigh...I don't know how much they must weigh but I was pushing them today with my whole body for a while only to get them to move about a centimetre. And then again. And again. Until you move them enough to wipe the floor and surface behind. Or scrubbing with a little brush in between the tiles (I was singing "You're in the army now, ouou in the army" in my head while doing it which also reminds me of some happier times involving a soldier and a train). But anyway, all of the tiles, in all of the bathrooms. Minimum 10 of them per cleaner per day. And you have to be fast, like superman...superwoman fast. To be able to do that, everybody wears sports clothes and doesn't use gloves cause it would slow them down. The only girl that speaks English told me today that she lost 7kg in 5 weeks there. And also showed me her muscles. They were inspiring. 

Fuck off.

2. I am going to be super toned and I like it. So today I did physical exercise for 9.5h. 9.5 hours without sitting once. Ladies and gentlemen, give me a month more (if I don't get fired in the meantime) and I will be super muscley hot (random fact from Urban dictionary: "Muscley. Used by idiots who don't know the word "muscular". I've been pumpin my guns for ten weeks now, im so MUSCLEY!"). Like the other gastarbajter girls there. Except they are German. And a Romanian. And one doesn't speak so I don't know what is she.

One day I will look like a titless Brigitte Nielsen. 

3. I love exercise. If there is a goal to it. Like hiking. I hate gyms and aerobic and all that. I would rather do cleaning than go to a gym. Anytime. One friend every time she comes home from jogging says: "The sun is shining out of my ass!" I have always resented people that feel that way, it was always torture both for my body and my mind (what do people think about when they exercise?) but now I feel Wow, this actually feels great! And I can't even explain to you how much pain I am in right now, muscle pain, back pain and plenty of bruises. The fact I woke up at 5 and I have to tomorrow again doesn't help.

4. I already lost weight. I have the same weight as I did when I was 15. My Dad didn't take it as happily as I did though. Dad: You lost 10kg! Are you sick? Are you broke? Do you have some kind of mental issues? You never looked this bad! Me: Everybody tells me I look better now. Dad: They're lying. Me: It's my friends! Dad: Friends lie too! (My friend commented on this: He's right. You are broke and you do have mental issues.) Mum, on the other hand, is glad. My whole life my Mum was telling me I should lose weight and my Dad I should gain weight, usually at the same time and completely ignoring what the other one says.

No problem when you don't have any in the first place.

  

5. I understand German. All my cleaning and breakfast colleagues don't speak English so all the instructions I get are in German. Which I don't speak but I kind of do because I understood let's say 90% of it. And 10% usually goes very wrong. And it's fun. My favourite is when the butchy mohawk haired headcleaner yells from the end of the hallway MARIJAAAANAAA! And when I run there, she points at something that I don't even see and yells: FLEKEN! PUTZEN, PUTZEN, PUTZEN! SCHNELLER!

6. I get to wear a uniform. So the whole day I can pretend I am on a very elaborate costume party. 

Sure.

7. I am like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Except I have a bucket and it's called Marijana. And I am going to start talking to it, just for fun. And one day when I grow to the size of other girls, maybe I get a Marijana, my personal trolley.

Like in this video:
Marijanaaaaaaaaaaaa! 

8. One day I will be able to start training S Factor. I have a friend that was always bad in sports and hated it until she had to go to an army training to be an army dentist later on. And she absolutely loved it and now does sports for hours every day. Including S-Factor. Which is damn hard. I tried. No single way. For all of you uninformed it's striptease and pole dancing without actual stripping but with pole dancing. It's very big in Croatia (not surprised, are you? Once I asked a German guy that I was with at that time, what would his mother say if she knew I was Croatian. He said: Use a condom.) Anyway, so maybe I start to love exercise so much that one day I can be a pole dancer. Although I think I am too big for that. Like I was too fat to be a ballerina according to my Mum. Well, anyway, we have to dream big.

9. I have to wake up at five. Four to five days a week. Which means I will go out less. Which means I will drink less. Which means I will do less stupid things...No, it doesn't. Since I am still going out as I usually do (but not Istanbul kind of usually) the other day I even managed to pass out for the first time in my life. A proper "what the hell happened" pass out. Luckily, I passed out right on my bed and woke up 10h later just in time for work. Convenient.

Blow my puff and make a wish. 

(dandelions) 

10. I am so going to get fired soon. Since I don't know yet little tricks how to do things faster, I am slower than others. But I am really really fast and doing my best. Honestly. But everybody is still faster so I try to cheat. But they really seem to catch me every time. And then I play the immigrant card. But there must be tricks. So I have to make friends, make them all love me and find out the tricks. Which is a bit tricky since I don't speak the language. It's hard to manipulate people when you don't speak the language. And the other problem - they are German and I don't know how to make Germans love me. Yet. So I will start tomorrow with the cheapest Croatian trick possible - mito i korupcija aka chocolate. A box of finest Croatian chocolate should melt even German hearts. I will keep you posted.