Remember me? I hope so far it hasn't been too disturbing for your eyes...or whatever you see with. I know it's been a while that we've talked but I do say your name a lot and my jokes about you are making
Thank you for inventing sun, water, earth, photosynthesis, barley, fermentation and humans (and all the rest in the process of making beer). It gives me more happiness on happy days, comfort on sad days and it is a great conversation starter. And you know how much I like to converse. Also, it helps me get men.
Thank you for all the men in my life, the ones that loved me and the ones that didn't cause they all taught me a valuable lesson. I hope you understand this was sarcastic, you are an asshole and I hope you burn in hell for all the ones that didn't love me. The fact that you are unloved or ignored lately is not the reason to take it all on me. You know I don't like when people don't love me, even when I don't love them cause then I think I do love them and it all goes 50 shades of stupid. But yes, thank you for the good ones. And women. They all right.
Thank you for me not being a thirsty African child. Thank you also for not being one of those people pouring ice buckets over themselves.
Thank you that Aslan masturbates two times a day. It makes me happy that my female sterilised dog is having so much self gratification, a healthy sexual life that she is not supposed to have and fulfilling her needs that she is not supposed feel. Not being aware of doctors cutting all her reproductive system out, Aslan enjoys by the power of mere ignorance.
Thank you for finding that stuffed sex toy donkey with a big rubber vagina the other day in the hostel. It really made my week and became one of the top stories I can entertain people with for the next couple of weeks. Thank you for mobile technology so I can show people the picture and they can't think I am lying. Maybe I won't even have to make any facebook events for a while that would make me feel good about myself for entertaining people. Maybe I'm not even sorry for touching that vagina.
(I am not going to post the pic of the vagina cause I want to show you in person. The picture I mean.)
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Ok, I can't hold it any longer. Here:
I think that is enough. Now, let's start with the wishes.
1. Please don't make me wake up ever again at 5am to go to work. But don't make me die or something.
This was one of the worst experiences of my life (aaw, bless me), especially during the weekend when I was the only sober person on the street and metro and everybody was so scary and ugly and stupid. Even more terrifying was the revelation that I am one of those people on some other day. (How again I get men with beer? Ah yes, they are too scary, ugly and stupid to notice that I am scary, ugly and stupid. And I just notice that they are tall. That's right.)
2. Please don't make me work for bad people any more.
And can you please punish them somehow, like if they believe in reincarnation can you make them a worker in Bangladesh the next time? And also, can you give them a very bad case of irritable bowel syndrome, like now till the rest of their lives?
3. Since I am unemployed now, can you give me some more jobs? Preferably something dynamic, physical, not much work, good money, that doesn't involve bodily fluids exchange? Thanks.
4. Can you make Sundays disappear? I can have two Mondays, or even better two Fridays. They say this is our heaven and this is our hell. Can I just have the heaven part? They also say that people can't be happy if they are only happy. Or whatever. Something like that, probably more elaborate. I think I would be really happy if I was just happy. So no Sundays. Switch the mass to Saturday. Or Friday even better. So all of them can together pray happily ever after.
5. I would really like more hair. On my head that is. But not on the face, that's quite enough. And could you make it grow blond so I don't have to go to hairdressers that dye me yellow. I hate yellow hair. Almost as much as Sundays. But don't make me go to chemotherapy (I read it can change your hair structure. Well, if you survive, actually, even if you don't) just do some magic. I heard you were good in it, at least before Jesus took over.
6. Can the world smell like basilicum on Mondays, pine trees on Tuesdays, orchids on Wednesdays, freshly cut grass without freshly cut grass on Thursdays, sea breeze on Fridays and bacon without dead pigs on Saturdays? Sundays we don't have any more, right...And can you eradicate bad morning breath, sweat (but keep the pheromones), urine & feces, cleaning products, mold and cigarette smoke smells (but keep the cigarettes). Oh, and poverty in the world. (in general, not the smell)
7. You know how I asked you when I was 4 that I have a family with two kids when I am 25 and that Jesus talks to me? Well done for not taking me seriously on both of those. Talking to Jesus would just be too creepy. And just in case you might reevaluate the family wish, don't do it by 35 either. I will think about it again then and keep you posted. But do give me a lot of love. Love is great and stuff.
8. Can you make all the people that surround me really happy, fulfilled and satisfied? Especially the nice ones and the ones that I see very often cause I can't listen to any more bad stories, it stresses me out and then I get pimples and then people don't take me seriously. And men don't like me. Unless Beer.
9. Can I visit at least 100 countries before I die without being a stewardess? Talking of which can I join the mile high club but on a helicopter or a balloon or some other device that might be invented in the future (use your imagination). And no rapes, it's not funny.
10. Konnen Sie mir Deutsch lernen?
So that would be it, since there is 10 wishes and 5 Thanks, let me list a few more, thank you also for fluffy animals, Turkish breakfast, Internet, hammocks and above all THANK YOU FOR THIS GUY
Cheers,
Your Visionary
