Hello, my name is Marijana and I just turned 31. I live in Berlin, a city of lakes and parks, street festivals and unusal events, music and art, fetishes and political correctness, cool people and not getting into clubs for the lack of cool, strange contraptions on the road and strange contraptions on people, tall men and beautiful women, bio organic free range vegan upcycling recycling cycling people, a city where snail races are cancelled due to animal cruelty demonstrations, where men pee sitting, where in 3 months I had more documents then in the last 5 years and where smoking protests are being held against lowering amount of weed one can have in a park as a solidarity to refugees (well, it's actual).
My neighbourhood is half hipster and half Turkish. Or as my Mum said on the train approaching there - you can notice we are closer to home by so many more beards and black beanies.
My Mum came to visit me for the first time I've lived abroad. Cause Germany is a visit-able country. And it was a nice time apart from the ridiculous mind-fuck weather. I suggested going to DDR museum and showed her photos and she said Why would I want to go there, I lived that. I heard a lot of stories from her life in the 80s, running to the queue-not-knowing-what-is-it-for-but-it-must-be-for-something-important, fighting to get a washing machine and having electric cuts based on the day in the week. (Have we ever talked before?) I explained to her that I still like men (after she saw a sign in my bedroom When did you decide to be a heterosexual? and a gay flag) and to confirm it told her a story how I got drunk the other day and behaved idiotic to a guy that I didn't like anymore (which means I liked him before so the story made sense).
Mum reminded me of a story when I was little how I wanted to go and play in the park but I didn't know any kids there. She said I just have to go and say: Hello, My name is Marijana. What is your name? Do you want to play with me? I followed the advice for years which caused a lot of (later realised) embarrassment and people thinking I'm crazy (or at least a little retarded). Because you don't do that, do you? We laughed about the story. We went silent. Mum looked at me and said: Well, nothing much has changed, has it? No, Mum, it hasn't.
*A friend took the idea one step further one drunk night after she found a little screw on the bar. We thought it's ingenious. We woke up and realised it's not.
We had a nice time, Mum and me, and she went happy back home knowing that I don't live in a shithole, don't work in a fucked up place and my friends are normal people. And my haircut is respectable.
I am 31 and I am going to a Korean Roller Disco on Friday after I finish work in the kitchen of a restaurant. Mum saw the restaurant and liked it. "I feel relieved now that my Marketing-Graphic design- Painting-Writing-degrees daughter works in a respectable venue." She meant it. Last week I randomly went hitch hiking to Poland and ate so much pierogi that I most likely won't touch it ever again in my life. I also got severely drunk. It has been one year since I am here, starting with my 30th birthday that I got stupidly drunk on and repeated it for my 31st birthday. A friend asked me haven't I learnt my lesson. I always do, but that damn alcohol somehow always tricks me. Friends that couldn't attend apologised and I thought thank god, a witness less. But still there is a whole new set of haunting memories that I have to deal with in my head till the rest of my life. My friends said it's fine. It always has been like that. Nothing much has changed.
At the moment I am home alone since everybody left for different kind of vacations. I don't like being home alone. A friend said it's great because you can walk around naked, pee with doors open and leave stuff wherever they are. Since the first two we do anyway, today I will be leaving stuff wherever they are. Starting with a random sponge that fell on the floor. It does feel great. Technically, I could even smoke in the kitchen but I am deeply traumatised by the last time my flatmate surprised me and found me with a cigarette in my mouth. I tried to to ignore it. She did as well. I tried to push it and I lit another one. She said "Don't push it."
They said to enjoy peace at home and do nothing so I was scanning facebook newsfeed all morning only to see an article from Buzzfeed on how to properly clean your vagina, a really good story about a family living in Russian taiga for 40 years without a human contact and a baby saved from ruins in Syria. I also saw a lot of food, dogs, cats, goats and weather pictures, tried to find a post in FreeYourStuff Berlin on somebody giving away a fake vagina (oh, the comments), failed, read a contemporary guide to erotic Berlin for Easter weekend and contemplated on the idea of getting bunny ears and maybe they let me to Kitkat this time.
And this.
I also learnt how eyebrows are important (so I won't take them off just in case). All to the lovely sounds of construction while I was turning the lights on and off every 10 min. Because Spring.
Which all together caused What the hell am I doing moment, as it usually does when I have no distractions around me like People. And the usual - I should delete this idiotic facebook (at least till the next year so I can get the Happy birthday posts again, thank you) and I should go and do stuff and see things and go running and volunteer in an adventure park and paint and learn horse-back riding and write a book and go cycling around the world, or walking, or sailing, and learn a new job, and get rid of all the clothes I don't need, and get new clothes that I am brainwashed to get, and protest (or at least go to that smoking demonstration) and call people that I love and tell them I love them and go look for more jobs and invite guys that I like for a civilised conversation over coffee (which reminds me quote of the day from a friend: "Yea, coz a good man is hard to find, but a hard man is good to find") and move to China and take a dance course and learn how to be a really good cook and learn German and MOVE TO AN UNINHABITED ISLAND AND JUST EAT COCONUTS THE WHOLE DAY. Or to Alaska and kill myself with unidentified berries.
(Or go shopping and buy the same shoes again like my friend. Because Buy.)
Which is all very very unreasonable, so I just MADE EGGS instead and promised myself I will become a better and more productive person. But not today. Cause today I'm leaving stuff exactly where they are.
There has been loads of ups and equal measure of downs last year. There were tears and laughter. There were loads of ups and load of downs this week. There were tears and laughter this week. Life completely changed. Again. I made a plan. The plan is not the plan any more. But fuck, I'm still having a great time. It has been a great year.
Thank you for your birthday wishes, it's been amazing.
So amazing, I can't wait for some more.
(as if I had a choice)
And in the meantime whenever you have a moment like this:
remember that:
And most important:
