Grandma: Which day is it? Mum: The worst one. Grandma: I knew it was Sunday! - Hatred for Sunday runs in my family for generations.
Have you ever had a feeling that you completely hit the bottom, but not only hit it but you made a crater in the earth how hard the impact was? That there is no silver lining, no rainbows in the sky, no fluffy creatures and unicorns and no blue sky and roses and blessings and the god does not actually work in mysterious ways but works out vicious monstrous series of unfortunate events that definitely are not any good for you?
I am sure you had. Everybody does. For small things that sometimes seem the most important for whatever stupid reason you had at the time and life changing matters. And this is the best explanation I could give you about what happened today. A disclaimer for all my friends that are reading this: It's all back to normal now. Or abnormal in my normal way. I find it a very funny story that I wanted to share with you and I thank once again to whoever put this thing in my mind that I know that life is just a bunch of meaningless nonsense and the only thing we have to do is 1. To go on with it 2. Be nice to others that go on with it 3. Not take it seriously.
So what happened? Well - NOTHING, that's the problem. I just moved to Berlin, left my job and flat in Istanbul, I don't have a home, I have no money, I sent hundred of CVs and got just a few replies, I can't find a job, it doesn't seem I will find one in the near future, I don't speak German, I don't have a work permit, I am not even sure what I am capable of doing anymore, I keep having nightmares, my home (a bar) that I spent three amazing years in Istanbul closed yesterday and I couldn't even be there cause I have two interviews in a few days that I know already are not going to work out and I just got a Dear John letter. What happened today is just an accumulation of all these factors, I had a pretty shitty day yesterday as well (until the evening when I had a blast) but this message of today was one drop too much or as we would literally say in Croatia "A drop that tipped the glass over". And turned into a fucking waterfall for what it matters. And I am sure PMS, hangover and Sunday don't help either.
The job search and all that jazz (or blues at the moment) is pretty simple. I was counting on hostels but they get millions of enquiries every day, require fluent German (and I am on a level Ruf mich an neun hundert neunzig achtzig achtzig achtzig) and yeah...well...the work permit. It is after all Germany not Balkans. Or as my friend said a German is a German, you can't do anything about it. So I can work either as a seasonal worker in hotels, hostels, restaurants and so on, they have to register me and it can't be a mini job or I can work in my profession that I haven't worked in for let's see...5 years! so that is also a hard one. The only prospect at the moment is to work in a sex club that might open soon. Which I find really funny. My friend introduced me yesterday to a friend and said out of the blue : "She wants to work in a sex club. But she doesn't want to get involved. Is that possible?" And he said of course and took my number. HA! How funny would that be? I can imagine my friends now WTF Marijana. But I really find it very amusing. I just have to erase this notion from the back of my head - Poor Mum. But I did many times before so it should be fine. This friend also said to her friend that offered me a job as a nanny for her kids: "No, she hates kids!" I love my friends. Anyway, so imagine my state of mind or even better the state of my beloved ego in the last few days. This job hunting is definitely the worst job I had so far. And it is a lot of work when you want to do it properly, trying to write kick ass cover letters and reviewing your cv for hundreds of times and explaining why exactly in the last 5 years you quit every job after a few months and left travelling. So bit by bit all this "Nobody wants to take me" was poking my ego and today it cracked. Having nightmares also didn't help. Being chased by talking walls that want to crush you and then waking up to a constant refusal or ignoring. Nope, it doesn't help.
So we come to Sunday and the Dear John letter. My, let's call him Boy (not my boyfriend but I did spend 24h with him for 3-4 months...due to strange circumstances but still, you do kind of get attached, whether you want it or not. And in the end, Ego is Ego. It doesn't reason out things when it gets picked on) went to Turkey and came back with a new girl. FML. And you can't even blame the guy. That's the problem with dating normal guys. You can't even blame them when they leave you. I can't even say Men are assholes. Because he is not and he didn't do anything wrong. We weren't in love and we weren't together. Mental note - date assholes. But always keep in mind they are assholes. Then everything should be normal. In my abnormal way. With assholes you know where you stand, you can blame them later on and they are also much more fun anyway. For all the girls reading this, don't follow my advice. I don't want to be responsible for outcryings based on dating assholes. I have already been involved in way too many of them. It seems I have a magnet for crazy people on the street and heartbroken people that need comfort. And I am equally bad in dealing with both of them. Anyway, my friend said What did you expect? You said he was normal. You are not. That doesn't work. Wow, thanks friend. That feels better. I knew the whole time there is nothing to it...actually I didn't really think at all, just kind of went with the flow but it doesn't mean my ego won't scream like a baby when it happens. And my god, did it. All this together drew out a thunderstorm, I mean the one that makes the earth shake. So I went out to smoke a cigarette and cry. And I mean CRY. For all the jobs that I don't have, for all the money that I don't have and for all the men...no, this doesn't fit in very well, but you know what I mean. Of course, I had an immediate INTERVENTION from my dearest friends on skype that tried to talk sense into me. It didn't work. It never does. Nobody can talk sense into you in these kind of situations or tell you something you don't know anyway. It just has to go away on its own accord. Which doesn't mean you should stop trying or just be there. For me humour always works. My friend showed me her boobs for whatever reason and another one said Well, anyway you are not normal so why do you expect normality. And you realise what a nonsense it is. And you are happy again.
So I wanted to share with you this horrible two hours I had that I now find really funny. People are funny. Egos are funny too. As for living in Berlin, I made the decision and as my friend said yesterday Once you made the decision, don't look back or you will turn into a pillar of salt. (I always thought this story was one of many in the Bible that just treats female caracters horribly because they are not listening to men or god but this is much nicer and makes more sense). So I am not looking back. I am looking forward...to something...whatever it is. The good and the bad and the ugly. With hopefully a bit of Tall Good looking men in it. Today I am not going to look for a job. It is Sunday. Nothing good ever happens on Sunday. I am not going to worry anymore either. Something will work out, where there is a will, there is a way blah blah blah. Even if it doesn't, worrying doesn't do any good anyway. I can always go somewhere else. And I am surrounded by amazing people. They are all batshit crazy but they are amazing. And I am in the best city ever not to worry and enjoy it. And there is so many many many many Tall Good looking Men around. I bet I can even find some assholes... ;)
...and all the fluffy creatures pop out again, they were just away cause they didn't want to get wet...
A completely useless picture of me with sheep. Just because I can.
And because they are fluffy.
And if you do feel shitty as I did today, watch this video. It can even cure a Sunday.
No comments:
Post a Comment